Protectors of the Plot Continuum: A Spinoff
by Randirien
Summary: Jay and Acacia approved PPC. Assassins protecting true canon from Mary Sues. This story is UNDER REVISION. It will be revised during the school year, but new chapters will not be posted until summer 2007. Sorry.
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia, OFUM and mini-balrogs belong to Miss Cam, and every other reference belongs to its creator. We have permission to write this story from Jay and Miss Cam.

A/N: If you find this funny, we will rejoice. If you review, Night will become hyper. She writes well when she's hyper...

Every chapter after this one will deal with one Mary Sue. They take a long time to kill, so please be patient! If you find a Mary Sue you want dead, email us! We work in the Lord of the Rings, Pirates of the Caribbean, Harry Potter, and A Series of Unfortunate Event continuums. We will also take on any 'Sues messing with Tamora Pierce's characters. And  
now, gentle readers, read on! Heehee.

* * *

A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away...

CUT OUT THE _STAR WARS_ REFERENCES!

Right. Anyway, Agent Rose Thorn wandered down the disturbingly monotonous gray hallways of Headquarters. "Where in this world or any other is the Mary Sue Department?"

"I can take you there. I'm supposed to find my new partner there anyway."

"I'm looking for my partner too! What's your name?"

"Agent Night Shade."

"Then you don't have to look for your new partner anymore. I'm Agent Rose Thorn. Wait, _new_? What happened to your old partner?"

Night winced at the memory. "She was a Draco luster. We got sent on a particularly painful Draco/Harry slash story. She's in the Psych ward, and she won't be out for a while."

"Ouch."

"Yeah. Which reminds me, we're supposed to know each other's lust objects. Do you have one?"

"No."

"Mine's Aragorn, but I'm not a complete obsessive. I think he's hot, but I greatly respect him and his relationship with Arwen. I would never do anything to destroy it. Look, we're here."

"What? How did we do that?"

"When you aren't paying attention to where you're going, you get there faster." Night stopped, realized she hadn't made any sense, and then decided it didn't really matter. "Shall we go in?"

"Okay!"

Rose and Night walked into their response center. Actually, Night walked in. Rose stared at the door for a little while, then skipped in when she heard Night making odd noises.

"Oosagoodgirl? Doesoowantsomebacon? Doesoowantsomeraw eggses? DoesoowantanAragornfangirltotearapart? Iknowyoudo..."

"Um, Night? Who are you talking to?"

"Okay, Mommywillfindyouone- huh? Oh, my mini."

"Your mini _what_?"

"You've never gone to OFUM? Shame on you! My mini-balrog."

"BALROG?" Rose shrieked.

"Mm-hm!" By this time, Rose had edged her way past the piles of books, CDs, DVDs, and videos. Night was kneeling on the floor, huggling her mini, Gilrean. "Isn't she cute?"

"Um... sure."

"Yes you are, yes you are a sweetheart-"

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

Rose jumped and cowered under the console. Night stood up, said "Mission", and walked over to it.

"You know, that doesn't help you any," she said, peering beneath the device. "You're underneath the object making the noise."

* * *

This story is placed in the LotR section because I can't put it in all the continuums, or at least I don't know how to. Our mission is actually a PotC 'Sue, but the next one will be a LotR 'Sue. We promise! 


	2. Her so craved adventure

Disclaimer: The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia, OFUM and mini-balrogs belong to Miss Cam, and _Pirates of the Caribbean_ belongs to Disney. We have permission to write this story from Jay and Miss Cam. The Mary Sue being destroyed was created by Sharlu88. Unlike everything else, we don't want her.

A/N: The chapter titles will always be the title of the story we are going into. Quetzalcoatl is an Aztec god, which Night finds very appropriate when working in the PotC continuum, and a CAD is a Character Analysis Device. Direct quotes from the story are as bad as they look, and copied with all bad grammar and spelling.

* * *

Rose jumped out from beneath the console as if she was being chased by wargs. Night stared at the console, reading the description of the fic. "Quetzalcoatl help us," she muttered. "This is bad."

"What?"

"No disclaimer, self-insertion, _really_ sucky title, representing accents really badly, repeating the same A/N every chapter, really bad excuses for being a bad writer, swearing too much, and horrible grammar, for a start. That all goes on the charge list."

"I see."

Night picked up a bag, and ran around throwing things into it, muttering under her breath. "Remote Activator- we'll want to portal through some of it; my D.O.R.K.S.- don't ask, it's a long story; cards; walkmen- there are REALLY bad parts we'll want to skip; CDs; food; rope; and... weapons! Canonical weapons... Do you have one?"

"A sword."

"Okay. I've got one too. Now where's my dagger?" Night found the dagger, which was on her belt in its sheath, and turned back to the console. "Pirates or whores?"

"_What?_"

"Disguises! We start in Tortuga; we have to be male pirates or female whores!"

"Um... pirates?"

"Yeah..." Night hit a few buttons, grabbed her remote activator, said "Bye, sweetie- Mommy'll be back soon!" to her mini, and turned to face the portal that had just opened a few feet away. She jumped through... then stuck her head back in. "Rose?"

"Coming." Rose jumped through the portal onto a white, sandy beach. "Um, Night? I thought you said we were going to Tortuga."

"We're in Tortuga."

"Since when does Tortuga have a white, sandy beach?"

"Since this 'Sue came."

"I see. Let's kill her." Rose said this in a perfectly normal, serene voice. Night turned around and looked at her with obvious approval.

"That's why we're here. Come on. Let's go past this nice little forest-"

"There's a forest, too? This author doesn't know Tortuga," Rose commented.

"Obviously. Come on, the faster we go, the sooner we kill her."

"Fun. What're we waiting for?" Rose and Night charged off down the beach after their prey, singing random songs having to do with carnage.

But that got boring very quickly.

"Night?"

"Yes?"

"Can we _do_ this instead of singing about it?"

"Soon, Rose. Soon," Night said, sighing.

"Yay! How soon?" Rose was jumping up and down, anticipating the kill.

"As soon as she violates the canon."

"Hasn't she done that already by putting a beach and a forest on Tortuga?"

"That's not her fault, it's the author's. _She_ hasn't done anything till she gets to Jack and corrupts him."

"That sucks," Rose said, pouting.

"Yep."

They strolled down the beach awhile more, and got to- "Where the hell is this place?" Rose shrieked. "It's QUIET!"

"Welcome, my friend, to the city of Tortuga," Night said, a disgusted look on her face.

"Tortuga," said Rose, "is NOT quiet."

"You're telling me? Someone's bad at descriptions. Even the _real_ Tortuga isn't as filthy as this place."

"Yep."

"It's only 'midday', as written by the author. What do you want to do till we can camp?"

"We're in Tortuga, disguised as male pirates- possibly with male body parts, but _I_ don't want to find out-"

"Neither do I." Night shivered.

"What _can_ we do?" Rose asked.

"Well, the author described this place as being only pubs and whore houses, so..."

"Ah, yes. Good point. Which pub?"

"Preferably _not_ 'The Drunken Maiden'. I'd hate to run into the 'Sue- she uses her amazing 'strong female character' powers to clear the 'poor men' out of the place."

"Good grief."

"Yep." There was a long pause.

"Night? Ni-ight! Hello? Are you there?" Rose poked her, and she jumped. Very high.

"Sorry. I was reading ahead. The author says that our little Sharlene was losing her patience fast(unlike herself). That's a quote."

"She was losing patience unlike herself. She was- she was WHAT?"

"Or we could just sit here... it's preferable to any of these pubs. She's ruined Tortuga! I _know_ there were some decent pubs around here." Night glowered in the general direction of the 'Sue.

"She's turned it into a slum."

"Ah well. We need to follow her to build up charges anyway. Shall we?"

"Lead the way."

"Don't try to make sense out of Mary Sue fics."

"Good point."

"So- which pub?"

"The best one is, of course, the one the 'Sue went into. Typical."

Once inside the pub, Rose and Night were slightly more distressed. You will notice that we are masters of understatements.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"Yes, this is disturbing, isn't it?" Night is also good with understatements.

"Are you mad? This is crazy! There are, and I quote, 'loads of people' in this ROOM with a SMALL KITCHEN at the BACK!"

"Yes. She obviously doesn't have experience with descriptions OR pubs."

"Did you notice she's the ONLY HELPER?"

"I did. Her 'Sue-like powers enable her to- SINCE WHEN DO WOMEN OWN PUBS AT THIS TIME?"

"I shall quote _you_ now. Since this 'Sue came."

"True. But how did the owner- Beth- manage before our little Sharlene came along?"

"She didn't _exist_ before Sharlene came along."

"True. She's a bit character."

"Yeh have it in yeh lass, ye'll make a great pirate of yerself some day"

"WHAT?"

"So, let's review this," Night said calmly. "A female pub owner just told the little bitch she'd make a good pirate. SHE. There is ONE girl pirate, and that is Anamaria. That is why we must be MALE pirates."

"Oh, yeah..." Rose looked down and saw insert typical description of a pirate here- the authors are too lazy to. Night's bag had stayed the same color, black, but now looked very much like a large piece of cloth tied into a passable container.

"The rest of the day is boring. Wanna go back to the forest?"

"Yes," Rose said emphatically. And with that Night and Rose turned around, ran out to get away from the 'Sue, and slammed the door behind them. "You know, according to the story, we are the only male people who don't like _dear_ little Sharlene."

"And that is depressing," Night commented.

"Yes, it is, considering that we are normally _females._"

"So there is not a male who is normally a male in the whole of Tortuga who is not just absolutely _captivated_ by our quarry."

"Pretty much. But then again, she _is_ a 'Sue."

"And THAT would be why we are here, dear," Night reminded her.

"Oh yeah... I knew that!"

"Sure..."

"I did!"

"Right..."

"I did!"

"No, you really kind of didn't."

"Actually, I just didn't _realize_ it. I _knew_ it."

"True."

"Now that that's settled, what do we do?"

"Let's see... We have cards, walkmen, food-"

"Food?"

"Food."

"What kind of food?"

"Um... chocolate. Or anything we care to buy from a pub."

"Um... I'll stick with the chocolate, thanks." Night handed her a rather large piece of chocolate, which she bit into happily. "So... what do we do?" she said through a mouthful of chocolate.

"We could play cards, listen to music..."

"Do you know how to play Egyptian Rat-Screw?"

"Yep. I think it might be a requirement for PPC agents."

A few hours later...

"Darn it, lost again!"

"Um... Night, don't look now, but we just skipped a year."

"WHAT?" Night scanned the Words frantically. "Hmm. I wonder what's happening in her old world while she _skips freakin' years_."

"Good question." Rose paused. "Next question. Shouldn't we get going to the pub so we can see what's happened... authors normally don't skip years just for fun."

"She's probably 'settling into her new life'," Night said dryly. After checking the Words again, she corrected herself. "Actually, she's 'getting exasperated about her life'. Wow, it took her a year to realize that?"

"Apparently so. Shall we check on her?"

"Let's go."

By the time they arrived at the pub, Sharlene was already singing.

"And here we have more proof of a 'Sue and something more for the charge list! Isn't it just wonderful?"

"Lovely. She's drunk. After only five glasses of a random drink? Methinks Beth was mistaken. She is _not_ qualified to be a pirate."

"You can say that again."

"She is _not_ qual-"

"Stop being so literal!"

"But I _like_ it-"

"Oh wow. She's angsting about the 'drunkenness she had'."

"How can you _have_ drunkenness?"

"Well, she did..." Rose trailed off, her eyes on the Words. "She's getting offered a job singing at someone else's pub!" Night stared at Rose in shock.

"Really," she said when she recovered. "We'll have to endure more 'Sueish singing then, will we?"

"She accepts the job, so... yes."

"Shall we portal to tomorrow night, then? She has no description of anything till then."

"Definitely."

Night dug in her pack for her remote activator, hit a few buttons, and a portal zapped into place. They jumped through just in time to hear the singing begin.

_"I used to get away with so much_

_Now I can't get away_

_I even thought that it was simple_

_To say the things I wanted to say..."_

"AAGH!" Rose shrieked. "Modern songs!"

"Ah, but you must remember- she was transported here from 'her time'. She can know modern songs."

"So it's not a charge, then?"

"Unfortunately, no. However," Night scanned the parts they had skipped, "We can charge her for having people who were _not_ teleported from another time use modern slang _and_ understand it when she uses it."

"Ooh! Can I have the charge list?" Night handed it over, and Rose scribbled on it frantically while Night read the Words, every now and then speaking a charge.

"Making the pub she works in a wonderful place, much better than anywhere else, yet never noticing it before... Redundancy- she has her new employer say her job is 'simple and easy'... Having the piano be 'marvellously playing in tune with her'- she spells it that way... And that's all I see right now."

"She's bad."

"Stating the obvious, are we?"

"Yep!"

There was a pause. A long pause, in which the 'Sue continued singing and Rose hummed to block it out while Night read the Words. Suddenly she said, "Who names a pub 'The Strain'?"

Rose looked up at the pub's sign, and answered, "Um... the guy who owns this place?"

Night sighed. "It was rhetorical."

"If you can be literal, why can't I?" Night decided against answering this. Luckily, there was a distraction.

"Don' ye ever come 'ere again yeh dirty dogs!" he roared "or i will be the one to make sure yeh rotten in 'ell!"

As the girls-turned-male-pirates cringed, Night whispered, "And here is the end of the fight. I think I'll read from the beginning of it. Do you have the charge list?"

"Yep!"

"Wonderful. Okay, we have... bad grammar, bad grammar, leaving words out and _more_ bad grammar- IMPERILED THEM TO DEATH? HOW THE _HELL_ DO YOU IMPERIL SOMEONE TO DEATH?" The earth shook, interrupting Night's rant. "TIME/SPACE DISTORTION! GET DOWN!"

"What? Oh." Rose threw herself onto the ground as it completely rearranged itself.

"Damn! _Another_ 'furious storm!'"

"I don't feel well..." Rose staggered to her feet, clutching her stomach.

"Don't worry, it'll go away soon. Everyone feels that way after their first distortion."

"It's gone! Yay!"

"See? Very soon."

"So, Night, do you want to- it's one in the afternoon? How did- wait, skip that, _why_ did they skip so many hours?"

"It doesn't matter right now. We're in her room. Act drunk, she's about to wake up. Follow me." Night staggered to her feet and tripped over herself until she fell out the door. Rose followed slightly more gracefully, not having experience acting drunk. They ended up downstairs in the pub.

"To answer your question, this is the girl who skipped a _year_. She'd think nothing of a few hours."

"Point. Do you want to portal to when a drunken idiot attacks her? All we'd be missing is a boring conversation..."

"Sure. Wait- did you say it was _one_? How would they know the exact hour? Especially during a storm."

"I don't know, but why are they shouting across a pub? Don't they know that anyone can hear them?"

"Evidently they don't care. Maybe everyone else is too drunk to listen."

Rose started to laugh hysterically, and seemingly randomly. "Rose, what exactly do you find so funny?"

"The fact that Sharlene's seventeen and still thinks she's a little girl."

"Ah."

"Wha- bu- bu- _huh_?"

"What now?"

"She says that she loves pirates, she even wants to become one, but she's terrified of them. That's what."

"Loves, become, terrified..." Night's confused mumbling drifted into silence. Then she erupted. "THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!"

"I'll tell you what you told me: Don't try to make sense out of Mary Sue fics."

"Oh, my wonderful wise wisdom..."

"So, are we portalling?"

"The wisest of the wise..."

"Night?"

"Except for Gandalf..."

"Night! Snap out of it!"

"What? Oh. The answer is fourteen."

"No."

"Twenty-nine?"

"No..."

"Five hundred and thirty-one?"

"NO! Night, you're not in math class!"

"I'm not? Oh, yeah... I knew that!"

Rose rolled her eyes, but didn't comment. "Do you want to skip shopping for 'pirate clothes' or not?"

"Of course I do! One portal to a random pub coming right up."

They came just as a drunken pirate got up and headed for their victim.

"'ello puppet"

"Copying Pintel's lines," Night commented. "Be a dear and add it to the charge list, will you?" Rose began scribbling.

"Wanna fool 'round fer a lil' bit?"

"I really don't think so, why don't you try your luck on one of those whores over there"

"Nah, I would prefer YEH fer the nigh'"

"I said NO you- and was cut off by smashing lips covering her mouth.

"Lovely. No comma, no quotation mark, and a beautiful image. Now she beats him up."

"But she isn't able to push him off in the beginning!"

"What? That's not possible. If someone's drunk, you can either fight them off easily or nothing will stop them. She can't have trouble at first and then do it easily!"

"She's a 'Sue."

"I know, I know. Now Jack comes in. He gets the most detailed description in the fic."

"Of course."

"Argh. Let's skip the conversation. All it is is Jack inviting a female with no experience to become part of his crew."

"Charge list?"

"Yup."

"Can we portal now?"

"Let's go," Night said, pulling the Remote Activator out of her bag. And they portalled to the Drunken Maiden. The pub was crowded with pirates and whores. "She skipped the part where she tells Harold she's leaving."

"Pity," Rose stated. "It would have been such fun to watch him scream at her."

"Yeah..."

"Can we sneak upstairs and watch her talk to Beth?"

"Okay." Rose and Night pushed their way over to the stairs and tiptoed up them to Sharlene's room.

"Who 'as ter know the truth?"

"Ah, I see we've arrived just in time," Night whispered.

"Beth, we need to talk"

"Alrigh' pet, what's that yeh wanted to talk 'bout?"

"Well you see... I er... well today I went to this pub and- and there I met this very nice guy who offered me to be part of his crew..."

"Aha... an'?"

"And... well Beth.. there's something I've been hiding from you since the day I came here...um... remember my first day when you told me I could make a great pirate out of myself? Well.. I kinda thought about it and have yearned to become one since then..."

"So yeh wanna sail on a pirate's ship? This man yer talkin' 'bout's a pirate?"

"Well... ye- yeah...I mean I know they are dreadful and careless and merciless and all sort of things but this man, this captain I should say... he promised me I would be safe... I mean he asked me this after I had beaten the crap out of a lad who had tried to rape me practically"

"So he thinks yeh 'ave what it needs ter become one? A pirate a mean?"

"I guess, that's what he meant I suppose"

"Are yeh sure 'e doesn' want anythin' else from yeh than just ter have yeh working as any crew member on 'is ship? 'nything could 'appen te yeh 'bord that ship!"

"You don't know him Beth I-

"An' yeh think yeh know 'im do yeh! 'e's a pirate, Lene, all pirates 're alike, 'e will probably take yeh as one of 'is many whores for 'is crew's 'ntertainment, I won' let that happen te yeh do ya hear me!"

"But Beth! this is what I've wanted all my life!"

"What! To be raped by a bunch of 'orny pirates!"

"Modern slang," Night whispered to Rose, who wrote it down on the charge list.

"No! nothing will happen to me Beth! I know how to defend myself I swear! It's that... I've always wanted to become a pirate damn it! I'm just sick and tired of this life, having to serve some fucking bastards who the only thing they do is drink rum and suggest you into a pleasure night EVERY SINGLE FUCKING GOD DAMNED TIME I ASK THEM WHAT THEY WANT TO FUCKING DRINK! AND I KNOW THAT SINGING AT HAROLD'S IS GREAT, BUT I WASN'T BORN TO DO SUCH THINGS! I WAS BORN TO BE A PIRATE! AND I CAN'T FUCKING BE ONE! IT'S JUST NOT FAIR BETH!"

"Swear much?" Night said sarcastically.

"Yell much?" Rose added.

"Shh, 'tis alrigh', Lene, if this idea of becomin' a pirate really got yer mind blowing then I suppose ye'll just 'ave to give it a try"

"Oh Beth! You don't know how much this means to me, thank you, thank you so much"

"t's okay dear, now ye'll 'ave ter promise me sumethin'. promise me ye'll be awfully careful when ye go 'round the ship, an' if whenever yeh dock back in Tortuga yeh feel like leavin' those scallywags, don' 'esitate to come 'ere, understand?"

"Of course Beth" she said with a smile "of course" and hugged her again.

"Aww. How sweet." The sarcasm in Night's voice was almost tangible. "Prepare for a sudden scene change!"

The entire night flashed by in a couple seconds. As soon as it was 'morning', Sharlene finished getting ready for her 'new adventure', said goodbye to Beth, and walked to the docks. Rose and Night followed her all the way down the docks, where she met Jack next to the Pearl.

"'ello luv" he said "glad we didn' had te postpone the voyage a couple of minutes more"

"Let's portal onto the ship. The canons can't see us, and she won't notice us if we're quiet."

"The deck?"

"Yup." Night opened a shimmery portal, and they jumped onto the deck of the Pearl. No one noticed their sudden appearance, because there were no non-canons on board- yet.

"All 'ands on deck!"

"Now comes the part where Jack threatens to cut off his crew's heads and put the things in his cabin if they lay a hand on Sharlene," muttered Rose. "Protective much?"

"Yeah, that cabin is going to stink." Night was incredibly bored by Jack's speech, so she decided to read ahead. Rose sighed and took out the charge list. When she was done with it, she turned to her partner. Night was staring at the Words, looking like she was about to have a fit.

"Night?" Rose said timidly. "What happened?"

Slowly, Night turned to face her. "Do you know what her excuse to get in bed with Jack is?"

"No..."

"_There are no other beds on the Pearl._"

"WHAT? Wait... Then where did Elizabeth sleep?"

"My point exactly. Both Elizabeth and Barbosa needed beds. Barbosa was not going to give his bed to Elizabeth, and they most certainly would NOT _share_ one."

"Ugh... bad mental image..."

"So, logically, there are at least two beds on the Pearl. Maybe they were originally intended for the captain and first mate."

"Yeah. Can we please skip this? It's just Sharlene making a fool of herself trying to help the crew."

"Okay." Night opened a portal and stepped through, closely followed by Rose. They arrived outside the door of Jack's cabin just in time to hear Sharlene's lie about how she got to Tortuga.

"I honestly don't know where I was born as uh... I was raced by Spanish people in Spain when I was just a baby, that's what they told me anyway, and well we were supposed to move to England 'cause my father had gotten a new job there."

"A baby can be in a race? What was it, a crawling race?" Rose whispered to Night, and they both burst into silent laughter. Still laughing, Rose added it to the charge list.

"But on our way to England, the crew of the ship we were sailing on did a mutiny against their captain, taking all other passengers, including myself, as captives," Sharlene continued.

"You know, it would have made much more sense to just say that they took all passengers captive," remarked Night. "Then she could have had them kill her parents for defending the captain, making her story much more believable."

"Much," Rose agreed. "This is ridiculous."

"And well, after a couple of endless months, the ship finally paused at some island I personally had no idea that existed and left us there to starve"

"Make the bad grammar go away!" Night whimpered. "And by the way, if they're months, they can't be endless!"

Rose added it to the charge list, said "Wow, this thing is getting long," started to read the Words, and screamed.

"What is it?" Night asked warily.

"It gets worse. I just read the next couple sentences, and I quote: ''she tried to sound as much bitter as possible, she HAD to be a good actrice for this man to believe her. A-C-T-R-I-C-E!"

"Okay, let me just read the rest so we can skip this bloody conversation," Night said wearily. "I'm sick and tired of waiting. I want to kill her NOW!"

"So do I, Night. So do I," Rose said, getting out the charge list.

"Right. You ready?" Rose nodded, and Night began reeling off charges. "Bloody bad lies, giving Jack an 'unfocused' look in his eyes, making Jack 'taken aback' when she gets melodramatic about him not believing her horrible lies, then having him say he believes her, and now we can skip." She opened a portal and happily skipped through as a shriek filled the air. Rose followed, muttering something about 'literalness' and 'skipping' as the shriek continued.

"...THIS is what you call arrangement?"

"It seems that our dear 'Sue has discovered that she must sleep with Jack," Night said, smiling calmly- and dangerously. "How absolutely wonderful.'

"Um, Night? Are you okay?"

"Oh, yes," Night said, still smiling. It was a very disturbing look on a pirate. "I'm imagining the _fun_ we'll have with this 'Sue. Keelhauling... barbed knives... iron maidens... Well, maybe just keelhauling, sword to the belly, and then a mercy stroke with a dagger a few minutes later."

"Fun."

"Indeed. Whenever a 'Sue does something particularly painful, you can negate it by imagining giving her pain."

"Really?" Rose concentrated. "Katherine wheels... head crushers... It works!"

"Of course. Enjoy yourself!"

"Oh, I will. I will indeed..." And they drifted off into a happy world of torture devices and 'Sues.

They were brought back to reality harshly by Sharlene. "Fine, but if you DARE to EVEN touch me in your sleep, you WILL regret it"

"Okay, we have to listen to this," said Night.

"Should be interesting," Rose agreed. They put their ears to the door. Jack was (cough) reassuring Sharlene.

"Like I promised before, luv, no one on this ship will ever touch you without you willing"

"And I presume you included yourself in that promise?"

"Dependin' on the mood I'm in the moment yeh flop on me bed savvy?"

"Well let me tell you that you will be safe on that bed depending on the mood I am when I flop on it, SAVVY?"

"Luv"- he said coming closer towards her until they were merely inches apart -" if ye use me word again to tease me, I won't be actin' the gentleman like me crew as a consequence of your action, SAVVY?"- he said in a chilling seductive voice

"She's fighting to control herself," Night said. She had decided to read instead of listen, and wasn't regretting it- yet.

"Alright captain, you don't have to get all pissy about it, I won't use THE word without your royal pain in the ass permission"

"And now she writes that saying that was a big mistake," Night said, reading further. "For once, she's right."

"What's the mistake?"

"Well, the whole fic is a mistake, but I'll read this part to you." Night took a deep breath.

"He produced a low growl from the depths of his throat and in one swift movement he had swung her on his back and was carrying her towards the bed. When she had the time to react she was already being pushed down on the bed by his OVERPOWERING force.

She kicked and moved and squeaked but he held firm, his arms on either side of her neck, his legs trapping her own... it was all in vain. She gave up and glared up at him."

"Oh, good grief."

"No. No quoting Charlie Brown. Haven't we had enough of that lately?"

"Good point."

Sharlene, having given up, continued to annoy everyone. "What now Captain Jack Sparrow?"

"Well what do yeh say ye get yer punishment for yer lack of respect towards yer capt'n?"

"Sharlene thinks he's got sexual punishment planned for her," Night said, still reading. "There's going to be a little pause here while she waits for it."

"Weren't you supposed to give me some sort of punishment for my lack of respect towards you or was I just having a day-nightmare?"

"Why did yeh close yer eyes, I don't think I'm that bad lookin' for yeh ta vanish me form from yer view"

"Actually I don't know why I closed my god damned eyes, Jack, but what I want to know is what are we bloody supposed to be doing right now!

"You're supposed to be sleeping," Rose put in.

"Jack I am drained and I don't have the nerve to have this little chit-chat conversation with you at this very moment"

"She's trying to move away from him again," Night narrated for Rose.

"I know! I'm reading too. It's impossible to understand what's happening with just the conversation," Rose snapped back.

"And could you please get off me!"

"'tis captain Jack to yeh, Ms'. Irvine, how many times will I 'ave ta remind yeh!"

"Oh, no, this can't be good," Rose muttered.

"Going to get her nightgown? Especially with this characterization of Jack," Night agreed. They were interrupted by Sharlene- again.

"What?"

"And she's noticed him staring at her. Took her a while," Night commented.

"Nothin', just enjoying the view luv"

"Fine, but would you care to stop enjoying it so that I can change?"

"Why? I'm fine like this"

"But I'm not! Jack! Would you please do as I say for once in your life! It is not comfortable to undress in front of someone you've known for nearly two days!... Jeez!"

"For once in your life. For nearly two days," Rose said slowly. "That make any sense to you, Night?"

"Need I repeat it? DON'T TRY TO MAKE SENSE OUT OF MARY SUE FICS!"

"Yeah, I know. But parts of it were making sense, so I hoped the rest might..."

"Don't. You'll only be disappointed."

This time they were interrupted by Jack. "I have already did as you said by removing myself from on top of yer body, now this is asking too much... and 'tis CAPTAIN JACK!"

"Fine!"

Night and Rose, who were both still reading instead of listening, simultaneously said "UGH!" Rose slowly turned to Night.

"Did you read what I just read?"

"If you read, and I quote, 'She turned around, took off her shirt and threw in her night-gown, then she took off her boots and trousers and laid them neatly on a chair. Jack had to consciously stop himself from gaping at her naked back and at the fact that she had had the guts to almost fully undress in front of him, risking her body to be completely ravished by himself if he didn't control his natural male instincts...', then yes. If not, then no."

"And now she turns and _smiles_ at him!" Rose wailed.

"There, that wasn't so difficult after all"- she headed for the bed -"oh and please call me Lene, I really do hate formalities"

"Luv, don' do that again"

"You gave me no choice captain, it was that or going on deck, but that would have turned out chatastrophycly wouldn't it?"

"That's an understatement," Night noted.

"Aye, remind me t' turn 'round next time ye do that aye? Don' know if I'd be able ta restrain meself"

"And now she blushes at his words. Why did she take the covers off the bed?"

"Who knows? Maybe she was hot."

"Look out! It's morning now." Rose sighed. "She switches times a lot, doesn't she?"

"Yup. She says 'morning came at a fast pace', and for once she's right. Oh, no. Look at her."

"Uhh... Jack?"

Rose grimaced. "Night, are you still reading? Because if you aren't, you don't want to be." Unfortunately, Night was still reading. And now she was reading out loud.

"There he was, facing her, with a very pleased expression on his sleeping face, his head resting comfortably over one of the cheeks of her rare end with one hand groping the other one. The rest of his body was spread along his side of the bed.

"Sharlene had to bite her lower lip to stop herself from bursting out laughing or shrieking, whichever sound came out of her mouth would surely awaken Jack and this would not be a good idea. She could just imagine the smug look on his face and those saucy comments of his going her way. And such an embarrassing scene would it turned out to be as well...

"She breathed out a heavy sigh but made it soft enough to get rid of her temporal stress thanks to the extremely uncomfortable situation and keep Jack the way he was, the way she preferred him, peaceful, asleep, NON- SPEAKABLE.

"She tried to move without waking him but failed, whenever she moved, his body moved... he was bloody glued to her ass! He must have liked it a lot as he wouldn't let go of her..."

"You didn't listen to me."

"No, I didn't."

They were interrupted yet again by Sharlene. "That's it"

"Abuse of the common comma," Night remarked. "Charge list." She pulled it out from her bag and wrote down the charge. Sharlene continued trying to wake Jack up.

"Jack"- she said in a motherly tone -"time to wake up sleepy head"- No answer.

"Jack, Jack wake up, JACK, JACK!"

"Whoa! That was one hell of a start...!- he narrowed his eyes at her -"heeey, what the bloody depths was that for!"

"Sorry Jack, you were sleeping on top of me, so I couldn't move, so I had to wake you up"

"Aye Lene but yeh could've been a wee bit more gentle with poor ol' Jack 'ere, 'tis not nice for a man such as meself t' start the day like this"- he said trying to figure out a way out of the entangled sheets around his legs "- I would prefer yeh kissin' me good mornin' if that's too much t' ask?

"Sure Jack, anytime"

"I would be very very pleased if yeh did that any time, but yeh see, although yeh can't evidently resist me charm,- gaining an eyebrow lift from Sharlene- I'm only askin' for a mornin' kiss, 'tis all-"

"Whatever you say, Jack, whatever you say"

There was a pause. Then Rose said, "Well, that was horrible."

"At least she waits till he's changed and on deck to change. She probably turns away because of her 'modesty', too. We need to move; she's about to come out." They went to lean on the railing of the ship, where they could rant about the 'Sue in peace.

"But she says to herself that she wouldn't change in front of him, and she did last night!" Rose sighed. "Inconsistencies abound."

"And she has a bad attempt at sarcasm, too," Night said disgustedly. "Listen: 'She finished combing her hair and went straight to start a new beautiful day aboard the Pearl... -'Beautiful day my ass'- she said under a heavy curtain of pouring rain.' And then she bumps into Gibbs."

"It just started to rain!" Rose exclaimed.

"That's what happens when you don't describe things well. Look out, her 'Sueness speaks."

"Sorry, not my fault"

"Aye aye, I get that all the time don't worry"

"And they hit the floor again," said Night in a commentator's voice. Rose started laughing. "Gibbs then Sharlene! Oh, what a fall!" Night continued. Rose cracked up. "Sharlene is saying something! What's she saying? What's she saying?"

"I can't help it! sorry!"- she stud up with the help of a hanging rope and helped Gibbs up. -"Finally! Thank god I had this bit of rope here hanging from...- she looked up the rope- from...oh-my-god...- she looked back down with an innocent yet worried look on her face- err... Gibbs?"

"Aye? What is it lass? Can't yeh see I'm trying t' keep all the sails of the main mast in order so that we don't get blown off!"

"Yeah well, that was exactly what I wanted to tell you... you see - showing him the rope she had balanced herself from- doesn't this belong to that main mast?"

"She stud up. What does that mean anyway?" Rose asked.

"I'm really not sure. I told you not to make sense of Mary Sue fics," Night replied.

"True," Rose said. Gibbs finally realized what Sharlene was talking about.

"What 're yeh- he looked up and his eyes grew wide- HOLY CRAP! JONES, COTTON! 'OME 'ERE NOW!"- In no time, not only two but half of the crew members were climbing up ropes and up the mast, trying to tie the rope around the now half-torn sail. Nearly all the crew had drawed their attention to the scene developing in the upper part of the ship. They didn't see Cotton slip over the railing and fall into the water, he couldn't yell as he was not able to speak at all; the only one to see him fall was Sharlene. She knew no one had seen or heard him so without thinking twice or even warning anyone she threw herself as close as possible to the sinking body of Cotton.

"And Sharlene, our heroine, bravely sacrifices her safety to rescue a man named Cotton." Night was still commentating. "But Gibbs saw her, and called for help!"

"Woman 'ver board!"

"Oh, look, now our dear little Sharlene has fainted! What a _perfect_ time to kill her," Rose remarked.

"Jack- excuse me, _Captain_ Jack- carries her to his cabin himself! Oh, what an honor!" Night said, resuming her commentator status. "Now he puts her _over_ the bed! Amazing, ladies and gentlemen! She's floating over the bed! He piles everything he can find on her to keep her warm. Everything!"

"_Everything?_" Rose shrieked. "But- that could include his clothes!"

"Thanks for the image, Rose," Night said dryly. "Jack panics!"

"Gibbs, mate, she's burnin' fire, she's shiverin', help me, do sumthin', brin'-brin' some cold water and a piece of cloth, fast!- come on man!"

"Aye cap'n" Gibbs rushed out of the cabin. Night intercepted him.

"Gibbs, where are you going in such a hurry?" she asked.

"Miss Sharlene's got a fever," he said, panting. "I'm fetching some cold water and cloths."

"Oh, really? It just so happens that I am uncommonly good at healing fevers!" She winked at Rose, who came to stand beside her.

"Wonderful! You should go into Jack's cabin then. I'm sure he'd be delighted to see you!" Gibbs rushed off, leaving Rose and Night to head for Jack's cabin.

On the way, Rose hissed to Night, "I thought you said we couldn't be seen!"

"Not unless we do something noticeable," Night hissed back. "You're going to be the angel. Here, I'll make you invisible, and when I've proclaimed her dead, pick her up and take her out of the cabin."

"Okay." And then they were outside the cabin. Night zapped Rose with the D.O.R.K.S., then pushed open the door and ran to Sharlene's bedside, faking worry.

"Oh dear! Let me just check her."

"Hey, what're ye doing here?" Jack demanded.

"I'm a good healer," Night explained. "When I found Gibbs running for water and cloths, I asked him what was wrong, and I came running as soon as he told me."

"Oh, good."

Night finished her 'examination' of Sharlene very quickly and turned to Jack sorrowfully. "Captain, I'm afraid she's dead."

At that moment, an invisible force lifted Sharlene up and out of the room.

"You see?" Night continued. "Her soul was so pure and true, she was carried directly to heaven."

There was a muffled snort outside the cabin.

Night said, "My services will not be needed," and walked out of the cabin.

Rose greeted her, and they portalled to a shipwreck in the middle of the ocean.

Night pulled out a rope from her bag and fastened it tightly around Sharlene. She splashed salt water over Sharlene, who sat up coughing and spluttering.

"Hello, dearie," Night said, grinning. "Rose, read the charges, will you?"

Rose cleared her throat and began. "Sharlene Nicole Irvine, commonly known as 'Lene', we charge you with the following. Having no disclaimer, writing a self-insertion, having a _really_ sucky title, representing accents really badly, repeating the same A/N every chapter, having really bad excuses for being a bad writer, swearing too much, and horrible grammar."

Sharlene opened her mouth to reply, but Rose cut her off.

"No, no, dear, there's more to come!" She took a deep breath. "Putting a forest and a white, sandy beach on Tortuga, doing things unlike yourself, skipping a year, having drunkenness, having people who were _not_ teleported from another time use modern slang _and_ understand it when you use it, making the pub you work in a wonderful place, much better than anywhere else, yet never noticing it before, redundancy, imperiling two people to death, beating a drunk up after you've tried once and failed, having Jack invite a female with no experience to become part of his crew, getting rid of at least one innocent bed, having bloody bad lies, being absolutely disgusting in several places, and abusing the common comma. Your punishment is keelhauling and death. Any last words?"

"You can't do this! Jack was about to fall in love with me!"

"We can, and we will," Night said grimly. "Lower her. I see Upstairs did a good job of teaching you how to read charges, Rose."

Night and Rose listened with pleasure to the barely audible noise of barnacles scraping against her skin, opening cuts in salt water, and her very audible screams. When they pulled her up, she was dead.

"I told you she wasn't qualified to be a pirate," Night said to Rose as they coiled the rope. "She can't even hold her breath for one passing under the ship!"

"Yup," said Rose. They pushed her over the side of the ship, watched her dead body sink, and then opened a portal. Night stepped through first, and when Rose followed, she heard Night scream "Stub!" She quickly looked around, fearing her partner had gone insane at last.

But she hadn't.

"Rose, this is my old partner, Red Stub. Stub, this is my new partner, Rose Thorn. We can all work together now, or at least until one of us gets reassigned."

* * *

Hi there! We apologize for the long wait, as I said, it takes a long time to kill a 'Sue! We really hope you enjoyed the story. Our next chapter will be a LotR 'Sue. Please review!

These are review replies. If you did not leave a review, it is not necessary to read these. There will be no spoilers.

**CapriceAnn Hedican-Kocur:** Thanks! We're really glad you enjoyed it.

**Silverleaf:** We're posting!

**Yavieriel Tarandir:** Yay! Another person who knows about the PPC! Have you written any?

**Mizamour:** Glad you like it! OFUM is the Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth. You can find it in my Favorite Stories list. Read it! It has a sequel, if you're dying for more.

**Em:** I'm updating! I'm updating! Good grief! And I am not in denial about Aragorn.


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